Guest Blogger - My Wife Rants About Her Fellow Subway Riders

Here's my tirade, if I was actually posting on a blog these days maybe I'd post it. It is kind of cathartic to write it down though.

Let me start by saying that I love the New York City subway system. It's convenient, gets me to where I need to be, and is generally on time and fast. I don't need to own a car and therefore save money on car payments, car insurance and gas. However, it's some of the people who ride the NYC subway that I take great issue with, and this past week has been particularly bad. This goes out to all those who have annoyed me to the fullest this week.

Jesus Preacher Guy #1: No one wants to hear you first thing in the morning, least of all me. I know you think the Lord Jesus died for our sins, and will give us eternal life....I get it - you only said it about a billion times during our 35 minute trip from Brooklyn to Times Square. But believe me when I say I prayed to your Lord Jesus last night and asked him to please make sure I wouldn't have to listen to you or anyone else preach to me on the subway ever again. Hopefully you can help answer my prayers by shutting the fuck up next time.

Jesus Preacher Guy #2: Please see above. But you are truly a special case. After getting in a woman's face and preaching about god and Jesus, you pull out a horoscope book and start ranting about that. So let me get this straight, you believe in some wizard in the sky who controls the world AND you believe we can read our future in the stars. You made me laugh out loud, and for that you hold a special place in my heart (but still annoyed the fuck out me).

Dirty Boot Lady: Don't think I don't notice that muddy, dirty boot you keep swinging in my direction. Is it too much to ask that you keep both feet firmly on the ground during ride? Hello, it's been raining all day and your boots are full of mud, just as are mine and everyone else's on this train. How would you like it if I crossed my legs and swung my shoe in your direction? Damn, now you had to go and rest your dirty boot on that pole, the pole that you know people are going to lean up against as this train gets more and more crowded during rush hour. Have you no decency?

Make-up Girl: You sat down next to me on the crowded train yesterday and proceeded to apply your make-up - not just a little touch-up, but your whole damn face. Foundation, eye shadow, lipstick, you even curled your eyelashes! I was hoping the train would lurch and you would poke yourself in the eye with your mascara wand, but no such luck. Do you not own a mirror that you could use in the privacy of your own home? Seeing as you were using MAC make-up which is not exactly cheap, I'm assuming you have the funds to purchase a mirror to use at home. Does your point of destination not have a restroom? Why, oh why, must you subject us all to your personal grooming habits?

Toenail Clipper Woman: I think the name says it all. Gross. I can not believe I witnessed this behavior on the subway. You were actually on my train a few weeks ago, but regardless you belong on this week's list because just thinking about you still makes my blood boil.

That's it for this week. Who knows what kind of characters I will encounter next week. Peace out.